Ojalá Maria -- Now let blow stuff up

I have found the greatest holiday ever.

The Nicargauans, it seems, know how to have a good time. It´s the day for the patron Saint of Nicaragua, Mary. If you want a better holiday season, here´s the recipe for tipico Christmas cheer.

Ingredients:

· 2 cups Halloween
· 850 milliliters Fourth of July
· 4 pounds Thanksgiving
· A pinch of Christmas
· A dash of Kwanza

Step 1 -- You start with day one, Dec. 7. Take the Halloween and strain out the costumes and coldness. You don´t want them souring you new holiday. Skim off restrictions on adult participation in trick or treating. You should be left with only the gathering of gifts from strangers. Let sit overnight.

Step 2 -- Over a low flame, simmer your Fourth of July. You´ll want to cook off the bbqs and most of the national pride. You´re left with the fireworks and excessive alchohol consumption. Add essence of Halloween and stir occasionally.

Step 3 -- Bring the base to a low boil, then sprinkle in the Kwanza to add a bit of pre-conquest spice to your holiday. Then stir in the Christmas for some good ol´fashion monothesism.

Step 4 -- Serve piping hot, preferably is small, easily breakable bowls.

Note: Set Thanksgiving pounds aside for now. You´ll stew them whole tommorow to cover the hangover.


So, that is an overly vague and none-to-sensible description of the Léon´s biggest holiday. For our concrete sequential folks, this is what happens.

At noon of Dec. 7, Nicaraguans fire their first fussillade of fuegos artificiales -- fireworks. Volleys follow every six hours through noon the following day. That includes six a.m. and midnight. Nicaraguan dogs do not like Maria´s birthday.

(It´s worth noting that, having lived through an exceptionally long civil war, the Nicaraguans like to go big on their fireworks. Last year the police tried to ban any bombas bigger than a soccer ball. The ban was ignored then, and has since been abandoned. So, it´s been loud.)

At six p.m. Dec. 7, a parade of Santa Maria marches to the central cathedral. There, they are greeted by men dressed as bulls. The bulls also shoot fireworks. Into the crowd. At the cathedral. Mary mother of God likes to blow shit up, apparently.

After the bulls and icons, Léoneses start going house to house collecting goodies. They shout to homeowners with icons, asking what their happy about. The homeowners respond that they´re
happy Maria was born. I think. It could be something else. But you get the gist.

Homeowners then hand out the afor mentioned goodies -- snacks, instant coffee, small shampoo bottles. It´s a kind of wealth redistribution, I´m told. Or a way to get the poor people to bathe a bit more. I´m not sure which.

Following the very Christian giving, there´s a lot of less religious drinking. Then more fireworks.
The following day is a federal holiday, which is the real genius of Maria´s day. Except for New Years Day, we Americans seem bent of drinking and making merry on our holidays. These holidays are always followed by not-holidays, aka mildly hungover-at-work days. The Nicaraguan method is superior. Drink. Blow stuff up. Then relax.

Happy Maria day.